As a Chinese Canadian, growing up as an only child was quite easy when I was young. But it got harder and harder as I got older.
I had many childhood friends when I was young and I had always been a very social individual. I was fortunate enough to attend private schools during my elementary years as well as my high school years. Did I learn more than I would have if I went to a public school? Probably. But I was always surrounded by the upper class individuals and money was THE way of life.
You were expected to succeed after you graduated or else you would have been deemed incompetent. My elementary school years were not as memorable as I’d have liked it to be, but I do remember being teased often about being overweight. My family said I would never get married if I stayed “fat”. You could only imagine what this did to a teens esteem! I entered into high school with low self esteem and a mentality of incompetency. I went to an all girls Anglican private school where we had chapel service every morning that would consist of general school announcements and hymn singing. It never really appealed to me much but I found it fun to sing loudly in the morning. High school was alright. It started off rocky but towards my graduating years I became very popular and I felt I fit in place with the other girls.
I began to become more spiritually involved and started learning more about Buddhism. I think for me it was more of a fad because “zen” lifestyle was the new fad. I was raised as a catholic and later somehow became Christian and never had my first communion. I was the type of person when I was interested in something I was truly intrigued by it and would do everything to learn more and become almost obsessive. I had many phases in my life as many teens have. I began to take on Buddhism and tried to practice it. I became bored after reading a few pages of ” Buddhism for dummys” and realized I was more interested of the cultural dynamics of the religion rather than the beliefs of the religion. I would go to the temple with my dad because I wanted to light incense and stand before huge man made idols and talk to them as if they were listening. I think I was more lonely than anything but I knew deep down that this statue did not create me, let alone the universe. So the quest continued. I was always in search for the truth and I would start seeking it but I felt the more I researched, the further I was getting from the truth. So instead of continuing my quest I buried the curiosity for seeking the truth and immersed myself in the crazy place known as the dunya (the temporary world we live in) I believed if I cant find my purpose in life why push through the waves trying to drown when I could go with the flow and ride the waves like everyone else? I always knew deep down that I had something special, I knew my purpose here on earth was not just to party and “enjoy life to the fullest” but it wasn’t my time for God’s blessing and guidance and so I worked hard on my image of becoming the party girl socialite.
I thought I had my whole life planned out.
The viscous cycle of seeking the truth and happiness of life was often confusing me and I thought that being beautiful physically and physically fit would help me achieve happiness internally and my life would feel so fulfilling.
Life to me became a joke. I couldn’t take myself seriously so I thought why should I take life seriously? I lived for the moment and everything was a ” I gotta have it now, I gotta enjoy my life and live it up.” This was my mentality and I stood by it and nobody could get in the way. I was carefree and didn’t give a care in the world about anything or anyone but myself.This mentality left me in much heartache and debt to say the least!
I molded my image and became a personal trainer while maintaining the "party girl" personna.It is definitely not an image to be proud of! As well as being a fashion student, I was also into some part-time modelling. I enjoyed it for a very short period of time, but like the clubs and parties , it was just too much work! Life started getting boring and empty. I felt out of place and didn't belong anymore. I began to get depressed and did reckless things that I wonder how I am still alive! Well Alhamdulilah Allah preserved me until now, inshaa'Allah for a few more years at least!
I think last summer (2010) was really the turning point in my life where I thought ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! There was not a specific event that triggered this cry for help but it was a series of events that happened throughout my life that really made me feel like I was going nowhere but down. The way I was treating people and my selfish “only-child syndrome” was going to be the end of me! I was involved with the wrong things and the wrong people, and I knew if I didn't escape this reality, there would be no other way out.
So how did I find out about Islam?
I had some members of the gym from Saudi Arabia (there are no male-only gyms in Toronto, and if so, I think they are all full of homosexuals -seriously). I'm not really sure how it really all started as everything just happened gradually, but I remember seeing a picture of Masjid Al-Haram in Makkah and my eyes lit up. I had no idea what this place was but the sight of it just caught my attention completely.
I had started doing a lot of research on this marvelous site, and learnt more about Saudi Arabia and Islam. I was intrigued with the Saudi Arabia and the religion. I learnt that (in a cave just outside of )Makkah was the place where Islam was revealed. I read more and more about Islam and found it to be so beautiful and respectful. Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) was the perfect man and all that I read and learned about him, drove me closer to Islam. All the media and the negative images of what Islam is about is really a complete inaccurate "story" that has been made up. I later learned that Islam is the religion and Muslims are the ones who practise the religion and like many bad Christians, it does not necessarily make Christianity a bad religion. Its the people, not the religion. I started to understand this more and started to get to the core of what Islam was all about.
Women were/are so respected and such a huge role in Islam it made me start to understand more as to why the women always covered up. I couldn't believe how wonderful this religion turned out to be! Instead of making ignorant assumptions (as I always did), I was learning more and more and felt that this is it. This is the religion for me.
I really did believe that there was only one God and no other God to be worshiped except Allah and Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) was the last prophet.
I started reading the English version of the Qur’an and I also listened to the Qur’an and found such inner peace and truth in the Qur’an. It was a beautiful feeling that I had been searching for. There was no way the Bible could give me the feeling of which the Qur'an gave me. The Bible, I later realised was a book so construed and full of misguidance. The way the Bible talked about the Prophets compared to the way the Qur'an spoke about the Prophets was absolutely eye opening to the real truth.
My entire life I had been trying to feel a sense of belonging and love that I couldn’t find anywhere but in God and Islam was the religion I felt this feeling of eternal bliss.
Then finally Alhamdulillah, God answered my cry for help and I took shahadah on March 27th of 2011.
Welcome to my Journey as a Muslimah striving so hard for Al-Firdaus insha'Allah.
Journey To Islam
